So B and I are watching OTH - and an ex-heroin addict who is a bartender is on the show. Here's how the conversation went down:
B: "Wait, don't you think that being a bartender is a terrible job for an ex-addict?"
Me: "Yeah, that's like becoming a stripper to get over your prostitution addiction."
B: "Who's addicted to prostitution?"
Monday, October 20, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
My daily dilemma
Sidenote to my readers: So clearly I took the summer off from blogging. Maybe I'm back . . . maybe I'm not.
Today's dilemma:
My good friend Niki asked me to post this tale, and well, what Niki wants, she almost always gets! This time is no exception. Anyways . . .
Allow me to explain the set up of my work restroom. These are important details, so pay attention. There are six (6) stalls. Each has a role, you could say. Well, I walked into the bathroom to pee - yes we're being this honest - and my pee stall was occupied. Pee stall is stall #1 typically. I once read somewhere that the first stall in a restroom is usually the cleanest because it is used less. That stuck with me, no matter how ridiculous it most likely is. But now my favorite stall was occupied.
So, I couldn't use stall #2 b/c that is just plain creepy to pee in the stall right next to someone else doing their business, when you are the only two women in there.
Well, stall #3 was and always is out of the question. Whenever you sit on this toilet, it sounds like the toilet is about to rip out of the wall. This is disturbing on many levels, because last thing I want is my pants around my knees, in the process of alleviating my bladder when boom--toilet falls off wall, water and pee go everywhere, and I bust through the door with my ass in the air. AT WORK. Let's not forget that my self-esteem plummets when you sit on a toilet and it fucking creaks. How fat do you have to be for your toilet to yell out in pain? No. I will pee in the sink before using stall #3.
I go into stall #4. This could be the one--a good option. Far enough away from occupied #1. Some whore peed all over the lid. Nice one. I have a feeling it's one of those bitches who insist on using the paper bib for the seat every time, and even then, she hovers over the stool. Now she's obsessed with not sharing germs, but has absolutely no qualms about pissing all over the toilet lid so NO ONE ELSE CAN USE THAT. Hate her.
Now we're at #5 - the handicap stall. No one and I mean no one uses the big stall. Don't know why--but it just doesn't happen. I cannot be the first to pop this stall's cherry. Not to mention that using the big stall makes you feel fat too. I mean--what am I simply too giant for the normal people stall that I would need the big stall so my fat ass doesn't hit the sides of the wall? No - I will not have that belief floating through other people's minds.
That leaves us at the last stall, #6. The shit stall. Everyone knows that you only go into that stall to poop. I'm not making this up. How do I know for sure--it's the ONLY STALL with a can of spray in it. We all know what you do when you're in there. There's nothing worse than using the poop stall and not pooping. If anyone else sees you in there, she will automatically assume you are dropping a deuce. You can't then explain "no no, I was just peeing, I promise." Yeah, right. If the situation was reversed, I'd take one look at you, hold my breath and run out.
So here's the dilemma - where do I pee? Do I wait outside or pretend to do my hair, waiting for #1 to open? Or do I bite the bullet and use one of the other horrible alternate stalls? I'll never tell.
Today's dilemma:
My good friend Niki asked me to post this tale, and well, what Niki wants, she almost always gets! This time is no exception. Anyways . . .
Allow me to explain the set up of my work restroom. These are important details, so pay attention. There are six (6) stalls. Each has a role, you could say. Well, I walked into the bathroom to pee - yes we're being this honest - and my pee stall was occupied. Pee stall is stall #1 typically. I once read somewhere that the first stall in a restroom is usually the cleanest because it is used less. That stuck with me, no matter how ridiculous it most likely is. But now my favorite stall was occupied.
So, I couldn't use stall #2 b/c that is just plain creepy to pee in the stall right next to someone else doing their business, when you are the only two women in there.
Well, stall #3 was and always is out of the question. Whenever you sit on this toilet, it sounds like the toilet is about to rip out of the wall. This is disturbing on many levels, because last thing I want is my pants around my knees, in the process of alleviating my bladder when boom--toilet falls off wall, water and pee go everywhere, and I bust through the door with my ass in the air. AT WORK. Let's not forget that my self-esteem plummets when you sit on a toilet and it fucking creaks. How fat do you have to be for your toilet to yell out in pain? No. I will pee in the sink before using stall #3.
I go into stall #4. This could be the one--a good option. Far enough away from occupied #1. Some whore peed all over the lid. Nice one. I have a feeling it's one of those bitches who insist on using the paper bib for the seat every time, and even then, she hovers over the stool. Now she's obsessed with not sharing germs, but has absolutely no qualms about pissing all over the toilet lid so NO ONE ELSE CAN USE THAT. Hate her.
Now we're at #5 - the handicap stall. No one and I mean no one uses the big stall. Don't know why--but it just doesn't happen. I cannot be the first to pop this stall's cherry. Not to mention that using the big stall makes you feel fat too. I mean--what am I simply too giant for the normal people stall that I would need the big stall so my fat ass doesn't hit the sides of the wall? No - I will not have that belief floating through other people's minds.
That leaves us at the last stall, #6. The shit stall. Everyone knows that you only go into that stall to poop. I'm not making this up. How do I know for sure--it's the ONLY STALL with a can of spray in it. We all know what you do when you're in there. There's nothing worse than using the poop stall and not pooping. If anyone else sees you in there, she will automatically assume you are dropping a deuce. You can't then explain "no no, I was just peeing, I promise." Yeah, right. If the situation was reversed, I'd take one look at you, hold my breath and run out.
So here's the dilemma - where do I pee? Do I wait outside or pretend to do my hair, waiting for #1 to open? Or do I bite the bullet and use one of the other horrible alternate stalls? I'll never tell.
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