Scientology and Me

So Niki recently posted some of her responses to some of the questions asked on the Scientology questionnaire. She "challenged" her readers to answer some questions themselves. You too can play. RadarOnline provides some sampling, and I've chosen some of my favorites questions.

Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?
Only in my dreams.

Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
Pass.

Have you systematically set up mysteries? Next question: Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
(Enough said)

Have you ever smothered a baby?
Only with love. Seriously though - what answer are they looking for here?

Have you ever exterminated a species?
Well, my sophomore year of college, Kate and I had a crazy infestation of lady bugs. It was insane! So we actually did have to start vacuuming them up. I know that sounds cruel, but it was ridiculous. So yes, I guess I am evil.

Have you ever made love to a dead body?
No, but I have had sex with someone with no soul. Is that worse?

Have you ever castrated anyone?
Again, only in my dreams.

Teeth

You must watch the trailer for the new movie,"Teeth."



Did you watch it? Ok--let's discuss.



This may be the greatest movie of all time. How hilarious? I mean c'mon--her vajayjay has teeth. Why didn't I think of this? You know all those times when someone asks you "if you could have a super power, what would it be?" I usually replied with flying or the ability to read minds. No, no my friends--I now want a vagina with teeth. I mean seriously--my M.O. would be to roam the world looking for evil men who are mean to women or just plain assholes, and then I'd seduce them. Just as soon as they thought they were about to get some, BOOM - my vajayjay bites off their weiners. Hilarious!



And I could still have that super power angst where I can never really love someone and have a normal life b/c I'm stuck with this burden/power to do good. Always alone. I'd wear a long trench coat and sunglasses, and of course, crotchless panties. Then, I do hysterical things like tend bar during the "day" when I'm not fighting crime, and open beer bottles w/ my vagina.

The fun would never end . . .

My commercial

Khang sent me this commercial, saying that it was made with me in mind. He knows me so well!

18 year old boys

I saw a picture of some very young soldiers today. They were most likely 18 or 19-year olds. "Irregardless" (as Karas incorrectly says) - they were hot! And as H and I objectified these young boys, we got to talking about how it's okay, if not expected, for guys our age to think 18-year old girls are hot! So it should be okay for us to think that 18-year old boys are hot! How about a little equality here.

That led to the conversation about the disgustingly perverted sayings that men have for young girls- like "if there's grass on the field, play ball." But we didn't know of any equivalent sayings for women to use about just legal boys. So we made some up. And now I'd like to share with you these super pervy sayings for you to incorporate into your daily life:

1. If he can vote, he can poke.
2. If there's a happy trail, you can ride that rail.
3. If he's a tenor or bass, there's no criminal case.
4. If there's hair on his chin, move on in.
5. If there's hair on his face, no time to waste.

If you think of any others--let me know!

Sad but true. . .

Khang recently summed up just how people like me and him are:

"Some people watch movies. We judge."

I don't want to, but I love that!

Chuck Norris has nothing on these guys!

After watching 2 straight days of "American Gladiators," here's what Burke and I did around the living room. hahaha

ps - No sound necessary, although it does add to the hilarity!

OSU Fan

I'm convinced this will be my friend Matt in 25 years (all for you Kate!).

ps - need volume for this one!

I'm 12.

Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Ralph: I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.

Ralph:"Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."

Back to the Pink

You know--I didn't like the new look at all. I just love the pink!

Now I have found other templates for this site, but I can't get them to work. Until I do--we're stuck w/ the pink.

And Niki--I have class. Just not the normal kind-ha!

The 80s are coming back!

And thank God!

I just spent 2 hours watching "American Gladiators." It was p-h-e-n-o-m-e-n-a-l! I so loved that show as a child, and now, I can enjoy it as a fat adult child. YES!

If you didn't watch it--you need to. I mean Hulk Hogan is hosting. He said "brother" no fewer that 982 times. His pants were ridiculously tight, causing Burke to be traumatized by his camel tail. His hair was creepy straight. And as always, he was orange and yellow. Love it!

On tonight's show, one contestant randomly bit while running, causing an injury knocking her out of the game. Burke and I of course rewound the playback of her biting it, over and over. I love DVR! Another guy took an awesome shot to the ass w/ the tennis ball shooting game thingy. It was great!

And oh--Helga, the big ass woman, is just that- a big ass woman. Not really scary at all. Kind of like me. haha

And then--Knight Rider is coming back. Yes, I said Knight Rider. As in Kitt and the Hoff, only we'll have a new Hoff. And the voice of Kitt is Will Arnet - awesome! I may explode.

Do we like the new look?

Let me know--trying some out. This one will be up for a few days, and then I'll try a new one. I really like the old pink though. . .

Angels and Kings

B had a friend in from out-of-town this weekend. Said friend is a huge fan of Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy. Well, they own a bar here in town, so we had to check it out. They head out before me, and I arrive about 1/2 hour later. Anyways, I walk in and they are like, "take a look around and tell me why we're in some SNL skit or something." It was Lesbian Night at the bar! Hilarious! We therefore, sort of, fit in. I mean we are women. Of course, we just stay and hang out--we weren't out to hit on boys anyways.

At one point, B dropped her umbrella, and it was like dropping the soap in prison. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Now I know that is a horrible thing to say, but c'mon people--hilarious!

I might go back on Lesbian Night though b/c well--drinks were super cheap. But I won't be back in January--see New Year's post.

Happy New Year!

Wow--I can't believe it's 2008. I am so glad, but have no real reason why. I guess I just buy into that whole "it's a new year, a new beginning" philosophy, when really it's just another day. Wahwah.

Either way--I'm trying to decide on what my resolution will be this year. First and foremost, my resolution is to stick to my resolution(s). Yes I do think there will be more than one--there has to by definition of my first. Or as TF would say "it's axiomatic." So here's a list of my potential and maybe permanent resolutions:

1. Stick to these bitches.
2. Choose a new resolution each month and just do it month-by-month.
3. January - don't drink alcohol this month. Why not? Sounds like a thing to do.
4. February - Stop Jan's resolution b/c well, the girls are coming.
5. February - Go to church - I need this one I'm pretty sure. I just need to find a good one.
6. January - DO MY BAR APPLICATION- my firm is going to fire me.

That's about it. Nothing exciting here. So please let me know your exciting resolutions or give me some ideas!