We're going on a manhunt. . .

in Berlin! Yeah, this is a life update posting. We have booked our girls' weekend in Berlin. Yay German boys!

HP's Magic Wand

Forgot to tell you all that I got tickets to his show--I will see the wand and all its magical glory. I'm so excited to see it that I even forgot for awhile that there's an actual play.

What the hell is J.Crew trying to do?

Do you see that montrosity? Yes, that is a tight roll. I just pulled this picture from J.Crew's website. Not only is this how they wish to advertise those jeans, but are they honestly trying to bring back the tight roll?

I remember my first tight roll. It was the 6th grade, and I was one of the first to do it in my school. Call me a trend-setter if you must. BUT IT MUST NOT COME BACK. Gag me with a spoon, J.Crew -- As if! [Feel free to insert your own early 90s sayings. I tried to work in "Not" into this post as well, but failed. I'm a Loser (capital L over my forehead)-Zing!]

Warning: Rant Post

Is it me, or do people who act like they know everything and do everything make you super hateful, as well as, force you to daydream about karate chopping their faces? Thought so.

Anyways, that's what I deal with all day. There's a certain someone who literally thinks they (yes, I'm using the incorrect plural here b/c I don't want to type she or he) do everything. Someone will ask a question, and they shout out, "As I told you a few days ago. . ." or "I know what that is. . . " First, I'd really like to respond, "No asshole, I don't remember what your hateful voice shouted out at 1:37 p.m. exactly 4 days ago. Why? B/c everytime you talk, I slip into my karate chopping fantasy where you don't get a chance to tell everyone what you know every two seconds."

My favorite part is how they always roll their eyes and use a tone of voice where it literally sounds like it is physically painful for them to speak, yet everyone knows it isn't, b/c they actually love the sound of the voice explaining why they have a comment for everything someone else says. OMG. They are even forcing me to write in terrible run-on sentences. I guess I am just literally fighting for something to say so much so that I have now succumbed to typing as much as I can as quickly as possible. Like this annoying human being will eventually run over to me, push me out of my chair, and finish typing this post. But of course, if they did, it would be better b/c they did it. They are so awesome!

Drama Queen!

While I was reading Perez, I saw this clip featuring Madonna on the Today Show. She's talking about her new movie. Anyways - I'm not posting this for Madonna's outrageous British accent, but for Ann Curry's horrendous reporting. OH. MY. GOD. She is so incredibly dramatic, it's scary. I mean her first question alone--listen to the tone of her voice. I can't put my finger on it, but she is talking super
slowly, in a super saddened tone, and she's hunched over like f*ing Quasimodo. Seriously, can she overact any more? Terrible. F.

(If clip won't play above, click here.)

Maaakke. iiitt. Stooopppp. Puhleassse!

Annoying walker/runner: "Oh my god you guys, this is the route I walked this morning. I just walked all along this road. I took a different route from the last time we walked. Instead, I went one block over to here. It was really beautiful, and it was great exercise."

Two minutes later as we pass another street.

Someone else: "Oh this looks like a cute street."
Annoying walker/runner: "Yeah, I also passed this street on my walk this morning."
Me in my head: "Shut the hell up. Worst. Story. Ever. Why even speak?"

I'm super hateful, which means ranting posts to continue . . .

Really--you ran how many miles today? Wow, that's interesting.

I have realized that I hate people who run, and then proceed to ruin the rest of my day talking about their damn run. Now I don't mind people who run--it's a good exercise--I'm talking about the damn people who run, and tell you about every step.

"Whew, I had a good run today. Not like my run yesterday. This one, about 20 minutes into it, I was just running good."

Who the F cares??? I don't--the people who can overhear our conversation don't. I'm convinced these people are just so stuck on themselves that they think I give two cents about how when their song came on, they just booked it. I especially love how they want your entire life to be put on hold, so they can run too.

"Oh, I'd love to join you, but would you mind waiting until 9 30 pm? I know it's 6 15 and everyone wants to leave at 7, but I really need to run."

Well, you know what--you can run straight to hell. Please--don't stop until you get there.

I mean seriously--you run on a treadmill for like 25 damn minutes. You are no Olympic athlete. I don't admire you. And for you guys who only run--let me tell you, the 88 lb. frame that is your running figure--the panties just fall. . .

So for future reference--I'm so incredibly impressed by your ability to knock 7 seconds off your 3-mile run. I even keep my own diary of your running stats for my personal entertainment. So there's no need for you to recreate every painful step for me in the future. And no, I'm not waiting on your stupid ass anymore. And oh--the rest of us do exercise too--we just have lives and don't feel the need to tell you about it.

Spam Comments Rule

I like that my blog is interesting. I like that HD or LCD or whatever TV likes my blog. I feel complete now. So much so, that I still will not visit your damn website.

I'm bored, but my life is probably still better than yours!

Sorry for the lack of blogging. I have no excuse other than I have no imagination right now. I can't be a monkey just entertaining for you all the time. Get your own damn life, and go out!

Anyways, I am pretty sure I'll be trapped, I mean living, here in the Pest until August or September. Definitely through June and most of July. But that means--SUMMER IN EUROPE, YO! Good times! I'm off to Vienna this weekend. We are actually road tripping. I'm sure it will be hilarious. We are in a micro-machine, and I think we might force the Cowboy onto the Autobon. If only for a mile, then we can stop, clean up [read "change poopy pants"], and get back to the normal, safe roads. [We have to drive b/c there is a Budapest transportation strike-shocker. I promise this country strikes every 10 minutes.]

On top of the vacationing, allow me to brag about this---I already have a week's stay in a 2-bedroom villa at Hawaii, France, and about 25 other luxurious destinations. That's right bitches--suck on my hotel points!

And don't be all sensitive w/ this post--you know I love and miss you all!

Back to the Pest

Well, my time in the States has been great. I'd say the first thing I noticed was definitely how "new" our country is. Kind of missed the old castles and cathedrals of Europe, but still enjoyed the open spaces and familiarity of home.

It was great to see everyone that I got to see--I definitely missed all of you! So to all my friends and family--thanks for everything this past week. I needed all the TLC to do another stint in Budapest. Love ya!

And as a teaser for the upcoming Pest posts . . .

1. New location for work--let's hope it's just as hot and stinky!
2. New team member coming -- let's hope he's hot! And definitely a he!
3. Will the Stache return????
4. What new cities will I visit this time around--suggestions?

The Forgotten?

You know, I've been doing my best to catch up on all my celebrity gossip, since I was away from internet for a few days. One of the many blogs I kept coming across was how Suri Cruise is not dead. Apparently she was unseen for like 72 hours, so something must have been up. But that got me thinking--what about Tom's other kids--the adopted ones? I mean, the paparazzi acts like this is the first kid for him. Then, for Nicole Kidman--she's finally pregnant, so everyone is talking about that soon to be celeb as well. What about those kids they adopted beforehand? I don't even know their names--it's a boy and girl, right? I could totally google that crap right now, but I think the fact that I can't remember them, but pretty sure I could draw a picture of Suri from memory just proves my point. Are these kids not good enough b/c they are adopted? I mean, Angelina's adopted kids get some attention--but no one is also paying millions of dollars for their baby pics.

I don't know--adopting a baby with nothing is the new pink in Hollywood, yet no one really cares about these kids. Not like the natural babies they pop out. Kind of sad and makes me a little mad. I mean, forgetting Tom Cruise's craziness for a minute, did he do dad things for his other kids like Suri? I'm sure he did, but yet no one cared. What gives?

Spacing issues

I apologize for the weird spacing in my previous post. Something is broken, and I don't want to fix it.

What happens in Prague . . .

should get blogged!

So Prague was great everyone. Here are the highlights:

1. I climbed the tower at St. Vitus Cathedral. I'm pretty sure I almost died. Seriously--I had to sound like a dragon climbing those stairs. I frightened at least 17 children that day. The view was worth the heart attack.

2. One of the things Prague is known for is the largest cuckoo clock. [It's the large tower on the left of the picture.] As you can see in the background of the pic as well, there's a disney fairy tale princess church. This was my favorite site. Anyways, when walking around Prague, I swear to you, you will always end up back at this exact location. It was like a twilight zone episode. Every time I turned around, there was that damn cuckoo clock. Not an interesting story, but my frustration had to be put out there.

3. Went to a sex machine museum. Scary! Totally got to see the 1st threesome porno ever made. Sadly--not hot. I'm pretty sure I walked thru the entire museum with a disgusted, shocked look on my face, while constantly trying to avoid eye contact w/ the Cowboy.

4. Got my first Thai massage. No happy ending, pervs. Anyways--this was hilarious. I laid down on the floor mat, and next thing I know, some tiny woman is sitting on my legs. I almost laughed out loud. She proceeded to distort and move my body in ways that I didn't think were possible for an hour. At one point, she had me in a headlock, swinging me around. I'm pretty sure she's never seen boobs this big in her life. Hilarious, and super relaxing!

5. Here's why I may hate this city though - we got stranded at the Prague airport for over 12 freakin' hours. I hate fog. I hate the weakness of the American dollar. I got a sandwich--it was $33. WTF? WTF?

ok ok, I loved it! When I get a chance, I will try to post some pics.

HA!

I think Budapest has officially become Bootypest . . .

Your Twang Is So British . . .

I have often wondered what American accents sound like to non-Americans. Now the Parisians made fun of the American accent, saying it was "ugly." Whatevs! Well, in Hungary, we sound British to them. At least, I do. On about five separate occasions, various Hungarians have asked me if I'm from London. Yes my redneck accent sounds British to these people--love it! I mean who doesn't want a small British man to secretly be living in their closet, so every night, he can pop out and just talk to you. Read you stories. Just be his happy little British self with his awesome accent. I mean sure, my little British man looks like Hugh Grant, and we do little talking, but . . . sorry, I digress.

Anyways, on a real life update, I will just have to let you know what the folks think in Prague. That's right, I'm going to Prague. Oooh, I can feel the sting of jealousy all the way over here!

Tattoo

So occassionally I post one of my Dino Comics that I'm in love with. It's b/c I'm convinced that the creator reads my diary every night. (Of course this means that I'd have to keep a diary, but rest assured that if I did, I would sign it "XOXO.") Anyways, I am T-Rex. Yesterday's comic, which I'm not posting, was about getting tattoos about things you wish you did in your life. Then, T-Rex decides that he should get the following tattoo--the same tattoo that is sadly and excellently so me. I should get a "To Do" list, with number 1 being the task of "Be Awesome." That would be crossed out. Number 2 would be "Sex up the person reading this."

I'm sorry but that's funny.

But I ask you--if you could get a tattoo of things you wish you would have done in life, what would it be? Be creative.

I need a moment or two alone please

Have you ever seen anything this hot? No, you haven't.