We are seriously taking a 5 minute break to chat and rest our eyes. The Dragon comes in and says:
"No talking you guys. Seriously. Get back to work."
Who the fuck does the Dragon think she is? Oh that's right, she's the Dragon. And we're apparently 5 years old with no minds of our own.
Yes that's it. Back to work. Must work. No talk. No laughter. No joy. No hope.
I can't wait for Manbearpig to eat the Dragon.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
Aquatus
So I got a little head cold, which is actually the worst. I mean, I'm here. I had to take a trip to the pharmacy. Scary. The lady barely spoke English, so I had to act out my symptoms in order for her to find me what I need. But that's not the point. The point is--I saw the scariest contraption ever in this pharmacy.
They had a cut-out stand advertisement ditty. It had attached to it a metal faucet, with a shower hose, that DID NOT connect to a shower head. No my friends, it attached to a medical device that can only be best described as a "power doucher." It was clear and shaped liked a skinny, long dong.
What the hell is this?
On the background of the advertisement was the torso of a naked women, with her hands over her va-jay-jay. WHAT?!?!
Clearly this is some sort of horrible tool, or excellent tool. Who knows? So of course, I blackberry myself the name of the instrument with its tag line:
Aquatus - Tiszta erzes ott is
I immediately google this crazy thing upon return. However, I'm dumb and can't find an English translation. But when you hit "images" on google, medical diagrams of the vaginal canal appear. Shocker.
I simply must know what has to be wrong w/ you, for a doctor to tell you that you need to install a power doucher/dildo/torture device onto your shower head. For reals? But--what if this thing is AWWWW-ESOME? I need to know--does it shoot something up there? Just water? Medicine? Does it vibrate?
Are these typical and just new to me?
Either way--scary.
They had a cut-out stand advertisement ditty. It had attached to it a metal faucet, with a shower hose, that DID NOT connect to a shower head. No my friends, it attached to a medical device that can only be best described as a "power doucher." It was clear and shaped liked a skinny, long dong.
What the hell is this?
On the background of the advertisement was the torso of a naked women, with her hands over her va-jay-jay. WHAT?!?!
Clearly this is some sort of horrible tool, or excellent tool. Who knows? So of course, I blackberry myself the name of the instrument with its tag line:
Aquatus - Tiszta erzes ott is
I immediately google this crazy thing upon return. However, I'm dumb and can't find an English translation. But when you hit "images" on google, medical diagrams of the vaginal canal appear. Shocker.
I simply must know what has to be wrong w/ you, for a doctor to tell you that you need to install a power doucher/dildo/torture device onto your shower head. For reals? But--what if this thing is AWWWW-ESOME? I need to know--does it shoot something up there? Just water? Medicine? Does it vibrate?
Are these typical and just new to me?
Either way--scary.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The Wrong Stuff--sorry :(
So everyone knows that I flew across the world to see NKOTB. Well, my NKOTB experience did not fail, even though the Live Performance was Ter-rraaa-ble. But quick recap of my once in a lifetime moment. Very quick: It was raining. We had signs. One sign said "I'm recently single and I have the Right Stuff." Genius sign Heather. There were a crap-ton of people there. We couldn't really see them. We heard them rehearse for a glorious hour. It was awesome! I forgot about the song "Tonight." Heard it again-fell in love with it again. I still wanna do Joey.
Ok now onto the Live Performance - before I begin my critiques, I mean thoughts, please note that these boys are definitely now hot grown men.
1. Them in suits--cute. Trying to be all grown up.
2. Boo to the Today Show-way too many audience shots. Terrible. F.
3. Ok-could the sound be any worse? I mean--Jordan is screaming like it's karaoke. Donnie is ridiculously loud. It was A-W-F-U-L. I particularly love it when they start laughing at one point. Seriously.
4. I remember their dance moves being somewhat "elementary." But seriously - a paralyzed person could learn and do these moves in about 3 minutes. Are they that old?
5. Related to comment #2 - I hate the Today Show for cutting to the damn audience during the "old" Right Stuff dance move. We all know that dance. We all still do that dance. Why wouldn't you show it? Die camera man. But--NKOTB--why on God's green earth did you insist on a "new style" Right Stuff dance move. A slight steppy thing front to back. NOOOO. Stick with what works. For reals yo.
6. Jon is definitely retarded. That dude is perhaps the worst dancer of all time. All. Time. He looks confused, sad, and lost. See minute 3:31 for prime example.
7. Does anyone else agree with me that perhaps the song "Please Don't Go Girl" needs to be retired. Or they should bring in a girl to sing it. It's not the same with Joey's man voice. Sorry, I love the song too. BUT--there was somewhat of a redemption when Joey put on the signature hat. So hot!
8. Um. Back-up whore dancers? Since when?
9. Side note--It was totally awesome doing the Hangin' Tough arm swing. Awesome.
10. At 3:09 - when Jordan rips his aviators off - hilarious. See above comment about laughing out loud. Right after this, I think it's Joey who laughs out loud - was he also laughing at the ridiculousness of Jordan?
Ok--I am not even going to start in on Pt. II. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never. Either way--the performance was shiteous to say the least, yet it was still the greatest thing ever!
I heart you NKOTB! I'm glad you are back!
Ok now onto the Live Performance - before I begin my critiques, I mean thoughts, please note that these boys are definitely now hot grown men.
1. Them in suits--cute. Trying to be all grown up.
2. Boo to the Today Show-way too many audience shots. Terrible. F.
3. Ok-could the sound be any worse? I mean--Jordan is screaming like it's karaoke. Donnie is ridiculously loud. It was A-W-F-U-L. I particularly love it when they start laughing at one point. Seriously.
4. I remember their dance moves being somewhat "elementary." But seriously - a paralyzed person could learn and do these moves in about 3 minutes. Are they that old?
5. Related to comment #2 - I hate the Today Show for cutting to the damn audience during the "old" Right Stuff dance move. We all know that dance. We all still do that dance. Why wouldn't you show it? Die camera man. But--NKOTB--why on God's green earth did you insist on a "new style" Right Stuff dance move. A slight steppy thing front to back. NOOOO. Stick with what works. For reals yo.
6. Jon is definitely retarded. That dude is perhaps the worst dancer of all time. All. Time. He looks confused, sad, and lost. See minute 3:31 for prime example.
7. Does anyone else agree with me that perhaps the song "Please Don't Go Girl" needs to be retired. Or they should bring in a girl to sing it. It's not the same with Joey's man voice. Sorry, I love the song too. BUT--there was somewhat of a redemption when Joey put on the signature hat. So hot!
8. Um. Back-up whore dancers? Since when?
9. Side note--It was totally awesome doing the Hangin' Tough arm swing. Awesome.
10. At 3:09 - when Jordan rips his aviators off - hilarious. See above comment about laughing out loud. Right after this, I think it's Joey who laughs out loud - was he also laughing at the ridiculousness of Jordan?
Ok--I am not even going to start in on Pt. II. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never. Either way--the performance was shiteous to say the least, yet it was still the greatest thing ever!
I heart you NKOTB! I'm glad you are back!
JCVD
Given that once upon a time, a website told me that JCVD would play me in movies, I'm partial to the guy. We all know websites are always 100% true. Anyways, this picture is floating around many gossip cites b/c JCVD is a 109 years old and posing like this. More importantly however, JCVD is 109 years old and appears to have a boner. Which brings me back to the website--I too think I would get a hard-on posing my massive muscles to a crowd of strangers with a camera pointed at me. JCVD is me. My bad.
Montages
Montages are fun! Here's one from Lost - as creepy as this is, when (not if) Desmond and I do it, I want him to say this over and over.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Berlin (Borat)!
Here's a great video of Mike, a cute British guy I met this past weekend in Berlin. This very video is how he completely won me over that night! I am particularly fond of the ass grab at the end of the video--very nice touch!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Stupid Bitch Lesson #3
Pay special attention to this lesson kiddies, as it may be one of the most important Stupid Bitch lessons of your life.
As a woman, if you are shoe shopping with a friend, every shoe in the store is NOT available to you. I know it appears that way b/c you walk into the store, and you can look, touch, smell, try on, whatever the hell you want to each shoe. BUT--a big "but" here at that--if another female you are with is eyeballing a pair of shoes before you, then those are her shoes. Even if the chances that she will purchase said shoes are about 2.8%, those are still her shoes. She has claimed them. This rule is so set in stone that you can take a girl's man before you can buy a pair of shoes she is contemplating.
I thought all mothers taught their daughters this. And if they didn't, a good ass-beating in an Aldo's back in 1997 did. I was wrong.
I was with perhaps the stupidest bitch ever this weekend. I saw a cute pair of heels that I thought about buying. I even point them out to my female co-shoppers. I set the heel back down to look at the shelf below, and this fucking whore I'm with swoops in, picks up the shoe, and asks for her size. I cannot for the life of me phathom this or sit here now and write up the emotion that was going through me. That stupid bitch bought the damn shoes. Outrageous.
Not only did she commit the cardinal sin of shopping with women, but she has forever cast herself in permanent bitch status for all time. Nothing she could ever do will erase this mistake. I could be dying and she could give me her kidney- still a stupid bitch. She could meet Shia, have the opportunity to sleep with him, but then proceed to step back and talk me up--so much so that he knocks of my door ready for marriage--still a stupid bitch.
Even still--the likelihood of her breaking her ankle in those shoes has just quadrupled. The bitch is going to hurt in those. She will have blisters. All shoe curses shall befall her. And the stupid bitch deserves it.
As a woman, if you are shoe shopping with a friend, every shoe in the store is NOT available to you. I know it appears that way b/c you walk into the store, and you can look, touch, smell, try on, whatever the hell you want to each shoe. BUT--a big "but" here at that--if another female you are with is eyeballing a pair of shoes before you, then those are her shoes. Even if the chances that she will purchase said shoes are about 2.8%, those are still her shoes. She has claimed them. This rule is so set in stone that you can take a girl's man before you can buy a pair of shoes she is contemplating.
I thought all mothers taught their daughters this. And if they didn't, a good ass-beating in an Aldo's back in 1997 did. I was wrong.
I was with perhaps the stupidest bitch ever this weekend. I saw a cute pair of heels that I thought about buying. I even point them out to my female co-shoppers. I set the heel back down to look at the shelf below, and this fucking whore I'm with swoops in, picks up the shoe, and asks for her size. I cannot for the life of me phathom this or sit here now and write up the emotion that was going through me. That stupid bitch bought the damn shoes. Outrageous.
Not only did she commit the cardinal sin of shopping with women, but she has forever cast herself in permanent bitch status for all time. Nothing she could ever do will erase this mistake. I could be dying and she could give me her kidney- still a stupid bitch. She could meet Shia, have the opportunity to sleep with him, but then proceed to step back and talk me up--so much so that he knocks of my door ready for marriage--still a stupid bitch.
Even still--the likelihood of her breaking her ankle in those shoes has just quadrupled. The bitch is going to hurt in those. She will have blisters. All shoe curses shall befall her. And the stupid bitch deserves it.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
I'm Going to Party Like It Was 1989!
I can't believe the excellence that is my life right now. I, ladies and gentlemen, will be attending NKOTB's first performance together in 15 years on May 16, 2008. Yes, I'm flying home from "the armpit of Europe" (thx Mr. Big!) to see this performance. Ok, ok, I may be coming home for Lisa as well, and for shopping, and to make out with American soil--but whatevs. I'll be there! It'll be like I'm 9 all over again--I can't wait. Do you think Joey will recognize grown-up me from the numerous videos I sent to him as a child, proposing marriage countless times? I know the answer to this one too - of course he will! Our love affair can finally begin-ha!
And for my fellow co-workers in the Pest--I will be holding our sign: "Free the Budapest 7!"
Monday, May 5, 2008
NKOTB Baby!
You must click here for NKOTB's new single "Summertime."
And I think they all look great--but seriously--that picture of Jon makes him look like the retarded cousin.
p.s. I hope they have a great dance tune lined up eventually!
And I think they all look great--but seriously--that picture of Jon makes him look like the retarded cousin.
p.s. I hope they have a great dance tune lined up eventually!
Mama's Coming Home . . .
Not literally, but I'm pretty sure this place will feel just like home this weekend in Berlin:
White Trash Fast Food
Schönhauser Allee 610119 Berlin
Fone: 030.5034 8668
Opening Hours:daily from 18:00
Loves it!
White Trash Fast Food
Schönhauser Allee 610119 Berlin
Fone: 030.5034 8668
Opening Hours:daily from 18:00
Loves it!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Stupid Bitch Lesson #2
This is a lesson for anyone to learn, male or female.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more annoying than when you are sitting in an empty theater and the next people to come in choose the seats right in front of you. I will never understand why people do that for the life of me. Are you too afraid to sit about six or ten feet from someone else in the dark? Are you actually afraid of the dark? Why, why, why do you insist on sitting in front of someone?
And oh the best part--you, as a stupid bitch, walk into the theater, see me sitting there with MY FEET ON THE BACK OF THE CHAIR AND YET YOU STILL INSIST ON SITTING IN THAT CHAIR. You know I have to take my feet down. And I just love your extra stupid bitchiness when you, yourself, put your feet on the chair in front of you. Feels good, doesn't it, you stupid bitch?
Seriously, choose one of the other 500 empty seats. And maybe next time, your stupid bitch ass doesn't have to get told.
Remember, don't be a stupid bitch, b/c no one likes one.
You're welcome.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more annoying than when you are sitting in an empty theater and the next people to come in choose the seats right in front of you. I will never understand why people do that for the life of me. Are you too afraid to sit about six or ten feet from someone else in the dark? Are you actually afraid of the dark? Why, why, why do you insist on sitting in front of someone?
And oh the best part--you, as a stupid bitch, walk into the theater, see me sitting there with MY FEET ON THE BACK OF THE CHAIR AND YET YOU STILL INSIST ON SITTING IN THAT CHAIR. You know I have to take my feet down. And I just love your extra stupid bitchiness when you, yourself, put your feet on the chair in front of you. Feels good, doesn't it, you stupid bitch?
Seriously, choose one of the other 500 empty seats. And maybe next time, your stupid bitch ass doesn't have to get told.
Remember, don't be a stupid bitch, b/c no one likes one.
You're welcome.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Stupid Bitch Lesson #1
My new thing lately has been to call out certain females when they are being what I like to call "stupid bitches." It's when they do something that they know is annoying as hell or just plain wrong, but act like it's not happening. I have decided that as I notice certain acts of stupid bitches, I will post them. This way you too shall be able to recognize a stupid bitch when you see one, or most importantly, stop yourself from being a stupid bitch.
Stupid Bitch Lesson #1:
"Oh I'll just have the veggie plate please."
Now ordering a lite dinner is perfectly fine. I'm not about to rag on being healthy. But you step over into stupidbitchland when you order that but proceed to eat everyone else's food around you. You know you want the fries, steak, burger, nachos, and whatever else is on someone else's plate. But yet you as a stupid bitch insist on "ordering healthy." But you are not eating healthy when you lick everyone else's plate clean. And then you are a super stupid bitch when you have the audacity after dinner to act like you ate healthy. Or make comments like "I think the portions are reasonable." No Stupid Bitch, YOUR portion was not reasonable. You behaved like a fat ass and ate everything. You are that Stupid Bitch who orders a salad but eats her man's fries. Now, don't get me wrong--I could care less what the hell you eat. Just don't be stupid and act like you didn't eat it. Own it--announce to the table that you can't believe that you just ate your weight in cheese. I will respect you more. The world will respect you more.
Today's Lesson: Don't be a Stupid Bitch. Because we all know, no one likes Stupid Bitches.
You're welcome.
Stupid Bitch Lesson #1:
"Oh I'll just have the veggie plate please."
Now ordering a lite dinner is perfectly fine. I'm not about to rag on being healthy. But you step over into stupidbitchland when you order that but proceed to eat everyone else's food around you. You know you want the fries, steak, burger, nachos, and whatever else is on someone else's plate. But yet you as a stupid bitch insist on "ordering healthy." But you are not eating healthy when you lick everyone else's plate clean. And then you are a super stupid bitch when you have the audacity after dinner to act like you ate healthy. Or make comments like "I think the portions are reasonable." No Stupid Bitch, YOUR portion was not reasonable. You behaved like a fat ass and ate everything. You are that Stupid Bitch who orders a salad but eats her man's fries. Now, don't get me wrong--I could care less what the hell you eat. Just don't be stupid and act like you didn't eat it. Own it--announce to the table that you can't believe that you just ate your weight in cheese. I will respect you more. The world will respect you more.
Today's Lesson: Don't be a Stupid Bitch. Because we all know, no one likes Stupid Bitches.
You're welcome.
Friday, May 2, 2008
My first fingernail
Ok so those who know me know that I can't stand nails. I keep my creepily short. And yes, that means I'm 4 and bite them. That's exactly what I've done since I was 4 as a matter of fact. Anyways, I'm too grown up to do that now-whatever that means.
I haven't been sure that my nails will even grow beyond a shadow of whiteness anymore, but lo and behold, I have my first fingernail. It's on my left thumb. So weird--I can't stop obsessing about it. I want to cut it. Now mind you, it's not long enough for anyone to notice that I even have a fingernail, but you can see white people. I'm doing my best to let it grow. And I think I'm even secretly hoping it's the only one that does grow, so I look like a creepy drug dealer.
But I don't know if I can resist cutting this damn thing off. Can I break old habits? I really hope so, b/c there are like 500 others I need to drop. Starting with my taste in men . . . yikes!
I haven't been sure that my nails will even grow beyond a shadow of whiteness anymore, but lo and behold, I have my first fingernail. It's on my left thumb. So weird--I can't stop obsessing about it. I want to cut it. Now mind you, it's not long enough for anyone to notice that I even have a fingernail, but you can see white people. I'm doing my best to let it grow. And I think I'm even secretly hoping it's the only one that does grow, so I look like a creepy drug dealer.
But I don't know if I can resist cutting this damn thing off. Can I break old habits? I really hope so, b/c there are like 500 others I need to drop. Starting with my taste in men . . . yikes!
Things I miss about America, Series 2
Brent had a good one today --
Water in the toiletbowl - For reals, yo! They have like 1/3 cup sitting in there, and well, it's gross. Leave it to a boy to point this one out!
Here's some more:
Ice - dear god, I miss a cold beverage. When we get ice, it's like a god, and we sit in silence to enjoy it. And by the way, since when did I use the word "beverage?" What am I, 83?
English-speaking TV programs - Enough said.
Sandwiches - finding a simple sandwich shop here is like looking for the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Ooh, let's add "quick" sandwich shop to that, as well.
I really miss America for food reasons apparently. Wow.
Water in the toiletbowl - For reals, yo! They have like 1/3 cup sitting in there, and well, it's gross. Leave it to a boy to point this one out!
Here's some more:
Ice - dear god, I miss a cold beverage. When we get ice, it's like a god, and we sit in silence to enjoy it. And by the way, since when did I use the word "beverage?" What am I, 83?
English-speaking TV programs - Enough said.
Sandwiches - finding a simple sandwich shop here is like looking for the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Ooh, let's add "quick" sandwich shop to that, as well.
I really miss America for food reasons apparently. Wow.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Things I miss about America, Series 1
1. Ketchup - I miss glorious ketchup bottles placed on just about every restaurant table in America. Here I'm lucky if I can get it, and then they give me a teeny tiny amount, and it makes me sad. On top of that, I miss the taste of American ketchup. Oh sweet sweet ketchup with fries.
2. CVS/Walgreens/Duane Reade - I miss being able to get the little things you need, like hair products, deodorant, floss, all the other millions of gems that one can find in a "convenience" store. I have never understood nor appreciated that term more than ever now. I know why some of the people stink here. They simply cannot easily locate the personal hygiene products they need.
3. Couches - My gigantic, comfty bed in the hotel room is great and all, but I miss being lazy on a damn couch. I honestly don't think I've sat on a couch or laid on a couch since I arrived.
4. The word "douche bag" - I miss calling everyone I know that word or a "d bag." I'm surrounded by work people all day, so it's entirely inappropriate here. But dammit, I miss insulting those I love.
2. CVS/Walgreens/Duane Reade - I miss being able to get the little things you need, like hair products, deodorant, floss, all the other millions of gems that one can find in a "convenience" store. I have never understood nor appreciated that term more than ever now. I know why some of the people stink here. They simply cannot easily locate the personal hygiene products they need.
3. Couches - My gigantic, comfty bed in the hotel room is great and all, but I miss being lazy on a damn couch. I honestly don't think I've sat on a couch or laid on a couch since I arrived.
4. The word "douche bag" - I miss calling everyone I know that word or a "d bag." I'm surrounded by work people all day, so it's entirely inappropriate here. But dammit, I miss insulting those I love.
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