Full Throttle: Frozen Fury (aka 7/11 Icee)

Amber at counter: "I'd like one super delicious Icee please."

7/11 Cashier: "Sure thing. That'll just be one ass rape, or seven if you're nasty."

While the above transaction didn't technically occur like that--it might as well have. It's 11:30 on a Saturday night, and Niki and I are in our PJs with no bras on. Niki also had on socks w/ flip-flops. She would like to add right now that those socks were canary yellow furry socks. I had a craving for an Icee because I'm 6. So I make Niki come to 7/11 with me, who was just trying to read Harry Potter and go to bed because she is dying from TB. She agrees to come only on the promise that she will not have to leave the car. I was cool with that.

First stop - 7/11 that is 1 block from house:
Everyone and their brother were there. Literally a brother too--sausage fest. We pull in and see the massive amounts of weiner at the 7/11 and I decide that I just cannot go in with no bra on and escape an ass raping. I was wrong . . .

Second stop - 7/11 that is about 2 blocks from house:
Again - packed full. I am about to go in and obtain my delicious frozen beverage, when the scariest old man of all time was standing outside, looking at us, and practically jerking it and licking his lips. Terrified, Niki quickly and smartly removes the furry socks so she can accompany me inside. And thank god--I cannot be friends with someone who wears socks and flip-flops in public. We go in only to find out that we are overdressed for this occasion. Everyone was in house slippers and robes practically. It was awesome! Niki checks out the pizza. Wrong move. It had been there for no fewer than 5 days. It was plastic and brown where it shouldn't be brown. Then she moves onto the hotdog/taquito display. Wrong move. They were turds. Literally--most disgusting long, log-shaped brown thing I have ever seen.

I pay for my Icee, and we go back to car. Creepy old man, still in same spot. Two guys are in the backseat of some car parked next to us. The windows were tinted, but we could still clearly see his death stare at us through the darkness. It was frightening! I have never seen such pure hatred in one's eyes before. So I bolt away. Only to come home to more scariness . . .

We are getting out of the car, and this one car is stopped with its lights on, staring at us. I try to investigate, but Niki quickly grabs my arm and says, "Why are you still watching?!" We run into the apartment. But oh wait -- Niki left those damn canary yellow furry socks in my car, and she cannot sleep without them. So I take a big slurp from my Icee and go to Recon. I scale the wall of our apartment like a fucking ninja. Niki follows, Jack Bauer style. I get to the car, and as I am about to grab those damn socks, the man is parking and getting out of his car. (So not a scary rapist, just a resident.) Niki goes, "Oh, it's John." Silence. Dead silence. Not John.

We go back inside. We literally just escaped how many ass rapings? But seriously--this Icee is delicious!